Adult Jokes Last Updated 11 January 2010

Sometimes You Just Need That Helping Hand

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Back to Front Nurse

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Jenny. "She's
incredibly dumb. She does everything absolutely backwards." said one doctor. "Just last week,
I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of Percocet every 10 hours. She gave him 10
milligrams every 2 hours. He nearly died on us!"

The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient
an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy nearly exploded!"

Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall. "Oh my God!" said the
first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Jenny to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"

Submitted By :Joe

Tiger Woods

What did Tiger Wood's wife say when the police asked her how many times she hit him with
the golf club?

"Eight, but put me down for a five"

Submitted By :Phoenixmsb

Santa and Tiger

What is the difference between Santa and Tiger Woods?

Santa stops at 3 "Ho's"

Submitted By :Phoenixmsb

Make her Moan

Q. How do u make a hormone?

A. Dont pay her

Submitted By :sohfunny

Clever Lady

A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were
about to have sex when the girl stopped.

"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for
sex." The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.

After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't
we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare
back to town is $25..."

Submitted By :The Clever Lady

Great Prices

A man went into a store and began looking around. He saw a washer and dryer, but there was no
price listed on them. He asked the sales person "How much are the washer and dryer?"

"Five dollars for both of them," the salesman said.
"Yeah right, you've got to be kidding me!" the man replied sarcastically.
"No, that's the price," the salesman said, "Do you want to buy them or not?"
"Yeah, I'll take them!" the customer responded.

He continued to look around and saw a car stereo system with a detachable face cassette player,
a CD changer, amplifier, speakers, and subwoofers. "How much?" he asked.

"Five dollars for the system," the salesman answered.

"Is it stolen?" the guy asks.
"No," said the salesman, "It's brand new, do you want it or not?"
"Sure," the customer replied. He looked around some more.

Next he found a top of the line computer with printer and monitor. "How much?"
"Five dollars," was the familiar response.

"I'll take that too!" the man said.

As the salesperson is ringing up the purchases, the man asked him,
"Why are your prices so cheap?"

The salesman said, "Well, the owner of the store is at my house right now with my wife.
What he's doing to her, I'm doing to his business!"

Submitted By :Will

Selective Hearing

What a woman says...

This place is a mess! C'mon!
You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor and
You'll have no clothes to wear if we
don't do laundry right now!

What a man hears...

blah blah blah blah blah C'MON!
YOU AND I blah blah blah blah!
blah blah blah blah ON THE FLOOR blah
blah blah NO CLOTHES blah blah blah blah
blah blah blah RIGHT NOW!

Submitted By :the JOKEr

Solution to Every Problem

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he
waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He
then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling
outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.
She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?" The farmer said, "Well, as a
matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this
lot."

The old lady suggested, " Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in
one hand; put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says
"Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband
to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall,
pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, an, a gallon of paint, two chickens,
and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the
bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

Submitted By :Hot Stuff

Worth the Money

A guy starts a new job, and the boss says, "If you marry my daughter, I'll make you a partner, give
you an expense account, a Mercedes, and a million dollar annual salary."

The guy says, "What's wrong with her?"

The boss shows him a picture, and she's hideous.

The boss says, "It's only fair to tell you, she's not only ugly, she's as dumb as a wall."

The guy says, "I don't care what you offer me, it ain't worth it."

The boss says, "I'll give you a five million dollar salary and build you a mansion on Long Island."

The guy accepts, figuring he can put a bag over her head when they have sex.

About a year later, the guy buys an original Van Gogh and he's about to hang it on the wall.

He climbs a ladder and yells to his wife, "Bring me a hammer."

She mumbles, "Get the hammer. Get the hammer," and she fetches the hammer.

The guy says, "Get me some nails."

She mumbles, "Get the nails. Get the nails," and she gets him some nails.

The guys starts hammering a nail into the wall, he hits his thumb, and he yells, "Fuck!"

She mumbles, "Get the bag. Get the bag."

Submitted By :Kim Hardling

Handy Trick

A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems
he has getting a close shave around the cheeks. "I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small
wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has
ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

Submitted By :Lee Perrins

Sound Sleeper?

Charlie was visiting an old friend and his wife for dinner. When the time came to leave, his car
wouldn't start, and it was too late to call the local service station.

The husband urged Charlie to stay over. There was no spare bed in the house; there wasn't even a sofa.
So Charlie would have to sleep with the husband and wife.

No sooner had the husband fallen asleep when the wife taped Charlie on the shoulder and motioned for
him to come over to her.

"I couldn't do that," he whispered. "Your husband is my best friend!"

"Listen, sugar," she whispered back, "there ain't nothing in the whole wide world could wake hime up
now."

"I can't believe that," Charlie said. "Certainly if I get on top of you and screw you, he'll wake up won't
he?

"Sugar, he certainly won't. If you don't believe me, pluck a hair out of his asshole and see if that wakes
him."

Charlie did just that. He was amazed when the husband remained asleep. So he climbed over to the wife's side
of the bed and fucked her. When he finished, he climbed back to his own side. It wasn't long before she tapped
him on the shoulder and beckoned him over again. Again he pulled a hair to determine if his old friend was asleep.
This went on eight times during the night. Each time Charlie screwed the woman, he first pulled out one of the
husband's asshole hairs.

The ninth time he pulled a hair, the husband awoke and muttered: "Listen, Charlie, old pal, I don't mind you
fucking my wife, but for Pete's sake, stop using my ass for a scoreboard!"

Submitted By :Charlie

Old Couple

There's an old couple, both in their 70's, on a sentimental holiday back to the place where they first met.
They're sitting in a pub and he says to her, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years
ago? We went behind the barn. You leaned against the fence and I made love to you from behind."

"Yes, she says, I remember it well." she replies.

"OK, he says, How about taking a stroll round there again and we can do it for old times sake?"

Smiling his wife responds, "Oh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea, she answers."

There's a man sitting at the next table listening to all this, having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, I've got
to see this, two old timers having sex against a fence. So he follows them.

They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the
back of the barn and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old
man drops his trousers. She turns around and hangs on to the fence and the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt
into the most furious sex the watching man has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This
goes on for about forty minutes. She's yelling Ohhh God! He's hanging on to her hips for dear life.

This is the most athletic sex imaginable. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The guy watching is
amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know. He starts to think about his own aged parents
and wonders whether they still have sex like this.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes
back on. The guy, still watching thinks, That was truly amazing, he was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his
secret is.

As the couple pass, the guy says to them, "That was something else, you must have been shagging for about forty minutes.
How do you manage it? Is there some sort of secret?"

"No, there's no secret, the old man says, except fifty years ago that fucking fence wasn't electrified."

Submitted By :Joe

Perfect Wife?

"I'm worried that I'm losing my wife's love," the husband told the counselor.

"Has she started to neglect you?"

"Not at all," the dejected man replied. "She meets me at the door with a cold drink and a warm kiss. My shirts
are always ironed, she's a great cook, the house is always neat, she keeps the kids out of my hair. She lets me
choose the television shows we watch and she never objects to sex or says she has a headache."

"So what's the problem?"

"Maybe I'm just being too sensitive," the husband ventured, "but at night, when she thinks I'm sleeping, she puts
her lips close to my ear and whispers, 'Die! You son of a bitch, die!'"

Submitted By :Moira

Great Pet

A miserably married guy decides he needs some companionship, so he goes to a pet store. The salesman says, " I have
a great pet for you. A toothless hamster". The guy says, "Nah." The salesman says, "But it gives great head." The guy
takes it home. His wife screams, "What the hell is that thing?" He says, "Never mind what it is. Teach it to cook and
then get the fuck out."

Submitted By :Moira T