Adult Jokes Last Updated 08 June 2009

Horny Girls Looking For Average Joe Type Of Guys??? Who Will Be The Next Lucky Fella?

Previous Jokes (back to January 1997) Please select ... 08 June 2009 08 April 2009 10 March 2009 10 February 2009 02 January 2009 15 December 2008 03 November 2008 01 October 2008 01 September 2008 12 August 2008 01 July 2008 03 June 2008 01 April 2008 03 March 2008 01 February 2008 02 January 2008 03 December 2007 01 November 2007 01 October 2007 03 September 2007 01 August 2007 02 July 2007 1 June 2007 11 May 2007 02 April 2007 02 March 2007 05 February 2007 03 January 2007 01 December 2006 01 November 2006 02 October 2006 01 September 2006 07 August 2006 05 July 2006 05 June 2006 12 April 2006 6 February 2006 6 December 2005 1 November 2005 3 October 2005 1 September 2005 1 August 2005 1 July 2005 1 June 2005 29 April 2005 1 April 2005 1 March 2005 1 February 2005 05 January 2005 01 November 2004 01 September 2004 01 July 2004 01 April 2004 01 March 2004 01 February 2004 14 October 2003 31 July 2003 13 May 2003 28 April 2003 3 April 2003 28 February 2003 20 January 2003 20 November 2002 7 October 2002 18 September 2002 21 August 2002 16 July 2002 14 June 2002 12 April 2002 12 March 2002 24 Jan 2002 26 Nov 2001 10 Oct 2001 30 Aug 2001 17 July 2001 15 May 2001 13 March 2001 19 December 2000 9 November 2000 18 September 2000 8 August 2000 1 June 2000 5 April 2000 6 March 2000 3 February 2000 7 January 2000 30 November 1999 28 October 1999 30 September 1999 9 September 1999 18 August 1999 16 July 1999 16 June 1999 13 May 1999 17 March 1999 18 February 1999 27 January 1999 8 January 1999 15 December 1998 15 November 1998 20 September 1998 27 May 1998 1 April 1998 10 February 1998 27 December 1997 12 December 1997 11 October 1997 2 July 1997 9 June 1997 18 May 1997 17 April 1997 6 April 1997 16 March 1997 9 March 1997 3 March 1997 23 February 1997 16 February 1997 2 February 1997 27 January 1997 21 January 1997 11 January 1997 Submit A New Joke

Pulled Over

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by
a woman police officer who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver"s license. She dug through her purse and was
getting progressively more agitated.

"What does it look like?" she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, "It"s square and it has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the
policewoman. "Here it is," she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "OK, you can go.
I didn"t realize you were a cop."

Submitted By :filthyfred

Teddy Bears

After a woman meets a man in a bar, they talk and end up leaving together. They get back to his flat,
and as he's showing her around, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears.
Hundreds of them - all arranged in size, from the smallest on the shelves along the floor, to the huge
daddy bears on the very top shelf. Although surprised, the woman decides not to mention this to him.
After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls
over and asks smiling, "How was it?", "Well," says the man, frowning. "You can have any prize from the
bottom shelf."

Submitted By :Jimbo James

Restaurant Order

A man’s running his eye over a menu in a restaurant when his attractive waitress asks him what he’d fancy.
"A quickie, please" "Sir," she says, "I’ll ask you one more time, is there anything that takes your fancy?"
"Yes," says the man again. "A quickie." Outraged she slaps him across the face and storms back across the
restaurant in a huff. "Mate," says the guy at the next table, "it’s pronounced ‘quiche’."

Submitted By :Will Patron

Say What You See

A guy decides to have a party where his guests come as different emotions - from fear to happiness, and so on.
The first guest shows up covered in green paint with the letters N and V painted on his chest. "What have you
come as?" the guy asks. "I’m green with envy." "Wow, that’s brilliant," says the host. "Come in and have a
drink." A few minutes later, a woman turns up, covered in a pink body stocking with a feather boa wrapped around
her private parts. "Wow, great outfit," says the host. "And you’ve come as..." "I’m tickled pink!" she says.
"Brilliant," the host replies. Moments later the doorbell goes again, only this time its two naked Irish blokes
at the door. One’s standing with his penis in a bowl of custard while the other’s got his cock suck in a pear.
"What the hell are you both doing?" screams the host. "Well, I’m fucking dis custard and he’s come in dis pear!"

Submitted By :Pete Brant

Body Of Evidence

A guy manages to get this hot girl back to his house, and they’re ripping off each other’s clothes when she
notices the scars on his knees. "Oh when I was a kid I contracted kneesles," he explains. "You mean measles,"
she says. "Oh no, Kneesles." So they continue undressing each other, unfazed. Until she noticed his crooked
toes. "Ah I also contracted toelio." "Don’t you mean polio?" "No, I got toelio." Bored by his denials, she
shrugs it off. Until he drops his pants. "Don’t tell me," she laughs. "Smallcox..."

Submitted By :Leonna

On Your Bike

A little old lady decides to join the Hell’s Angels motorcycle gang. So one day she knocks on their clubhouse
entrance. A big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms pokes his head round the door. "I want to
join your club," she says. Amused, the biker humours her, claiming she need to meet certain requirements to be
part of their gang. "Do you have a motorcycle?" he says. "Yup,"" she replies. "It’s parked right over there."
Both of them look round to see a flamed, black Harley chopper in the driveway. "Do you drink?" he continues.
"Oh yes, like a fish," she says. "I’ll drink any man in you club under the table." "Do you smoke?" "Smoke?" she
hoots. "Damn right I smoke. I smoke like a chimney. In fact I smoke three packs a day, as well as three joints,
and a couple of cigars in the evening, just before I raise hell on the pool table." "Wow," says the biker,
impressed. "You sound like one bad momma. But tell me: have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?" "Nope" says
the old lady, "but I’ve been swung round by the nipples a few times."

Submitted By :Pete Brant

Drunk Driving

A bloke is driving happily along in his car with his girlfriend when he’s pulled over by the police. The officer
approaches him and asks, "Have you been drinking, sir?" "No. Why?" replies the man, "Was I all over the road?" "No,"
answers the officer, "you were driving splendidly. It was the fat, ugly bird in the passenger seat that made me suspicious."

Submitted By :David Portnoy

Sick Note

A guy goes to the doctor, and says, "Doc, I feel like I’ve got something lodged in my arsehole." The
quack has a peek and says, "I can definitely see something." So he gets his tweezers and pulls out
a $50 note. Then another £50 pounds then 20 quid, then a tenner and so on for the next 10 minutes.
Finally he says, "I think that’s the lot now." "Wow, how much was there in the end? Says the patient.
The doctor adds it up. "£1980 in total." "That sounds about right," says the man. "I wasn’t feeling
too grand."

Submitted By :James F

Birthday Boy

A little boy goes up to his mom and says "mommy can take a shower with you?"
The mom says no, so the boys goes "please it's my birthday" "Ok" says the mom
"just don't look up or down" "Ok I promise" says the boy. But as soon as they're
in the shower the boy looks up and says "mommy what are those?" so the mom says
"those are my headlights" "oh" says the boy. Then he looks down and says "mommy
what is that?" so she says "that's my bush" "oh" said the boy.

So later the boy goes up to his dad and says "daddy can take a shower with
you?" and the dad says "no". "Please it's my birthday" "ok" said the dad "just
don't look down" "ok I promise" said the boy.

But as soon as they're in the shower the boy looks down and says "daddy what's
that?" so the dad says "that's my snake" "oh" said the boy.
So later that night the boy says "mommy, daddy can I get in bed with you I had
a bad dream" "no" say his parents. "Please it's my birthday" "Ok" said his
parents "just don't look under the covers" "ok I promise" said the boy.
But as soon as he's in the bed he looks under the covers and screams "mom turn
your head lights there's a snake in your bush!"

Submitted By :Klint

Soldier

A woman walks into a supermarket, and notices a male customer whose zipper is
undone. The woman kindly says" excuse me sir,but your barracks doors are open".
Not having a clue what the woman was talking about he continued shopping. A few
moments later another customer approached the man and explained that his zipper
was undone. The man zipped up and continued his shopping. At the checkout he ran
into the woman who originally informed him of his zipper.He decides to play into
her unusual comment; "excuse me maam, when you noticed my barracks door was
open, did you happen to see a soldier standing at full attention?" The woman
responded by saying " no, all I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on two duffle
bags"

Submitted By :Private Privates

Don't Throw in the Towel Yet

An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady and they are very much in love.
However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm.

Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi.
The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following
suggestion.

"Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young
man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on
an orgasm."

They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he
waves a towel over them as they make love. But it doesn't help and she is still
unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi.

"Okay", says the rabbi, "let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your
wife and you wave the towel over them."

Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. The young man gets into bed with the
wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man really gets into fucking this
guy's wife so he works with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous,
room-shaking screaming orgasm.

Stubborn to the end, the husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him,
triumphantly, "You see, THAT'S the way to wave a fucking towel!"

Submitted By :John

Skinny Little Sucker

A young woman brings a very young and skinny baby to the doctor's office. She
explained, "The baby seems to be ailing. Instead of gaining weight, he lost three
ounces this week."

She was told to go into an examination room and wait for the doctor. He comes in
and examines the baby, then asks the woman, "Is he breast fed or on the bottle?"

"Breast fed," she says.

"Well, strip down to your waist," he orders. She does. He squeezes both breasts,
massages them, pinches both nipples, and then began powerfully sucking on one of
her tits.

Finally he announces, "No wonder the baby is hungry. You don't have any milk."

"Naturally," she says, "I'm his aunt, but I sure am glad I came in today."

Submitted By :John