Richard's Realm - Adult Jokes

	Adult Jokes Last Updated 01 July 2008

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Men

Q: If men had a 12 inch cock in the middle of thier forehead how much of it could they see?
A: NONE because they would have a set of balls hanging in front of thier eyes

Submitted By :Jack MeHoff

Effecient Waiter

A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he
knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into
his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon and set it on the table. The diner
was impressed. "Do all the waiters carry spoons in their pockets?"

The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since we had that efficiency expert out; he
determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying
clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen."

The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "Forgive
the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?"

The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same efficiency expert
determined that we spend too much time washing our hands after using the men's
room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go,
I simply pull the string to pull out my penis, go, and return to work. Having
never touched myself, there is no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time."

Wait a minute," said the diner, "how do you get your penis back in your pants?"

"Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."

Submitted By :Klein Calvin

The Ass

A preacher wanted to earn money for the building expansion program of his church.
He had heard there was big money in horse racing, so he decided to purchase a horse
and enter him in the races. However, at the local auction the going price for horses
was too steep and the preacher ended up buying a donkey. The preacher figured he
had the donkey, he might as well enter it in the race.

The next day the donkey came in third. The racing form's headline the following day
read, "Preacher's Ass Shows."

The preacher was so pleased with his donkey that he entered him the next day also.
The donkey won. The newspaper's headline read, "Preachers Ass Out in Front."

The bishop was so upset with this type of publicity that he ordered the preacher not
to enter the donkey in the races anymore. Then, the headlines read, "Bishop Scratches
Preacher's Ass." This was too much for the bishop, and he ordered the preacher to
get rid of the donkey.

The preacher decided to give the animal to a nearby convent. Next day's headlines
read, "Nuns Have Best Ass in Town." The bishop fainted! He informed the nuns to get
rid of the animal.

So they sold it to a farmer for $10.00. Next day the paper read, "Nun Peddles Ass
for Ten Bucks."

They buried the bishop the next day. The paper read, "Too Much Ass Responsible for
Bishop's Death."

Submitted By :Joe

Reject Pick Up Lines

Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."
Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"
Man: "I'd really like to get into your pants."
Woman: "No thanks. There's already one asshole in there."
Man: "Want to Dance?"
Woman: "No, thank you."
Man: "Don't thank me, thank God somebody asked you."
Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too.
Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "Female impersonator.
Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized, go away!"
A graying man in his 60's approaches a twenty-something
with "Where have you been all my life?" She took one glance at
him and said, "For the first half of it, I probably wasn't born
yet."
Two young dudes are striding down the street and and one
glances at a girl who has just walked by. She turns around and
sneers at him, "What are you looking at?" His friend comes to the
rescue: "He thought you were good looking. Man, was he was mistaken!"
"Sorry, I don't date outside my species."
Guy: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason!"
Gal: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

Submitted By :TT

Dave the rooster

A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a
rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster, one that would service all
of his many hens and when he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied:
"I have just the rooster for you. Dave here is the horniest rooster you will ever
see!"

So the farmer took Dave back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the hen
house though, he gave Dave a little pep talk. "Dave", he said, "I'm counting on
you to do your stuff". And without a word he strutted into the hen house.

Dave was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There
was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Dave had finished having his
way with each hen. But Dave didn't stop there, he went in to the barn and mounted
all the horses, one by one and still at the same frantic pace. Then he went to
the pig pen, where he did the same. The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief,
cried out, "Stop, Dave, you'll kill yourself". But Dave continued, seeking out
each farm animal in the same manner.

Well the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Dave lying on his lawn.
His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging
out. A buzzard was already circling above.

The farmer walked up to Dave saying, "Oh you poor thing, look what you did,
you've gone and killed yourself. I warned you little buddy".

"Shhhhh," Dave whispered, "The buzzard's getting closer."

Submitted By :Horatio

The Highlander

One misty Scottish morning a man was driving down from Wick to Inverness. Suddenly
out of the mist, a huge red-haired highlander steps into the middle of the road.
The man is about six foot three and like a walking wardrobe. He has a huge red beard
and despite the wind, mist and near freezing temperatures, is wearing only his kilt
and a tweed shirt. At the roadside there also stands a young woman. She is absolutely
beautiful - slim, shapely, fair complexion.. ..... heartstopping. The car driver's
attention is dragged from the girl when the highlander opens the car door and drags
him from the seat onto the road. "Right, you" he shouts, "I want you to masturbate",
"but......" stammers the driver, "Now...or I'll bloody kill you" So the driver turns
his back on the girl, drops his trousers and starts to masturbate. Thinking of the
girl on the roadside this only takes a few seconds. "Right" says the highlander "Do
it again!" "but....." says the driver. "Now...." So the driver does it again. "Right
do it again" demands the highlander. This goes on for nearly two hours. The driver
has cramps in both arms, he has rubbed himself raw, and despite the mist and wind,
has collapsed in a sweating jibbering heap on the ground, unable to walk. "Do it again"
says the highlander. "I just can't anymore - you'll just have to kill me", whimpers the
man. The highlander looks down at the pathetic heap slumped on the roadside. "All
right" he says, "NOW you can give my daughter a lift to Inverness."

Submitted By :George Thumb

Skunk

A man and a woman are driving along when they see a wounded skunk on the side of the
road. They stop, the woman gets out, picks it up, and brings it into the car. She says,
"Look, it's shivering, it must be cold. What should I do?" He says , "Put it between
your legs." She says, "What about the smell?" He says, "Hold its nose."

Submitted By :Lawrence Maseeney

Skunk

An old guy is sitting on a bus when a punk rocker gets on. The punk rocker's hair is
red, green, yellow and orange. He has feather earrings.

When he sees the old man staring at him, the punk rocker says, "What's the matter old
man? Didn't you ever do anything wild when you were a young guy?"

The old guy says in reply "Yeah. One time I screwed a parrot. I thought maybe you were
my kid."

Submitted By :Lawrence Maseeney

Cheating

A Blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her. She goes out and buys a gun. She goes to
his apartment unexpectedly and sure enough, she opens the door and finds him in the arms of
a redhead.

Well, the blonde is angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, but as she does so, she
is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and points it to her own head.

The boyfriend yells "No, honey, don't do it!."

The blonde replies "Shut up, you're next."

Submitted By :Jumping Jack

Stowaway

A depressed young woman from Manhattan finishing school was so depressed that she decided
to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a
handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a
lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on
my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped
his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded. What did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and
hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a
piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine
search, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" he asked. "I had an
arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "He's taking me to Europe, and every
night he came and screwed me." "He sure did, lady," said the captain. "This is the Staten
Island Ferry".

Submitted By :Bert K

Hi-Tech Man

A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers...like a telephone....
on his hand and talking into his hand. The bartender walks over and tells him that this
is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble here. The guy says, "You don't
understand; I'm very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of
carrying the cellular." The bar tender says prove it.

The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bar tender. The bartender talks into the
hand and carries on a conversation. "That's incredible," says the bartender. "I would never
believe it!" "Yeah," said the guy, "I'm really very hi-tech. I can keep in touch with my broker,
my wife, you name it! By the way, where is the men's room?" The bartender directs him to the
men's room.

The guy goes in and doesn't come out for the longest time. Fearing the worst given the tough
neighborhood, the bar tender goes in to the men's room.

There is the guy... he is spread-eagle on the wall...his pants are pulled down and he has a
roll of toilet paper up his backside.

"Oh my god!", said the bar tender "Did they rob you? How much did they get?"

The guy turns and says: "No, no,... I'm just waiting for a fax!"

Submitted By :

The Blind Salesman

A lady goes into the local sporting goods store to buy a fishing rod to give to her husband
for his birthday. A salesman wearing dark glasses with a dog is behind the counter and asks,
"Can I help you ma'am ?" "Well, I'd like to buy a fishing rod, can you tell me about this one?"
she answers. The salesman replies, "I'm sorry ma'am but I am blind and can not see the rod
your referring too. However, if you'll drop it on the counter I'll tell you all about it as
I can tell from the sound it makes." The lady picks up the rod, and does what he says and
drops it on the counter. He belts "That's a Zebco 2500, fiberglass, 6.5', medium action -
$15." Lady - "Wow !" She finds another and does the same. "Thats an Orion 35C, graphite, 6',
light action - best used with ultralight tackle - $20." Very impressed the lady decides to
buy the second one. As the man is ringing up the sale, the lady makes a rather large noise
as she passes gas but feels no need to apologize as the salesman is blind and has no idea
who she is. Salesman says, "That'll be $25." "TWENTY FIVE DOLLARS !? YOU SAID $20?" "That's
right ma'am, $20 for the rod, $3 for the duck call, and $2 for the fish bait."

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