Last Updated 11 November 2011
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Q: What's the difference between a microwave and anal sex?
A: A microwave won't brown your meat!
Submitted By :jokester
You Think You Got It Bad!
A banana, a cucumber and a Dick were waiting for the bus. The banana says, "Man I got it rough. Everyday
my people get peeled sliced and eaten!". The cucumber says, "That aint nothing. We get peeled, sliced, put
in a bowl with a bunch of strangers, have oil dumped on us, then get eaten!". The dick laughs and says,
"Stop whining; my 2 best friends are nuts, my next door neighbour is an asshole and everyday my boss puts
me in a dark, smelly tunnel and makes me do push ups til I puke!"
Submitted By :Mark...Truckin out there somewhere
Be Strong, Honey!
A man escapes from prison where he has been for fifteen years. He breaks into a house to look for money
and guns and finds a young couple on the bed in a bedroom. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the girl to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up and goes to
While he’s in there the husband tells his wife, “Listen this guy’s an escaped convict, look at his clothes!
He probably spent a long time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck and
whispered sweet nothings in your ear. If he wants to fuck, don’t even think about resisting, don’t complain,
just do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. That guy is probably very
dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.”
To which his wife responds, “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay,
thought you were kinda cute and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be
strong, honey. I love you.”
Submitted By :charliefackintuna
Little boy goes to school and has diarrhea all day. He goes home and tells his momma he had diarrhea all
day, in and out of the bathroom, and that he needed a Viagra... Momma said "Why would you ever say a thing
like that?!", to which the little boy replied "I heard daddy say he was gonna take a Viagra, make his shit hard!!"
Submitted By :dennis
Q: Why do dogs lick their own balls?
A: Because they can!
Submitted By :Rubinstein
The Hippie and the Nun
A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if
she would have sex with him.
The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again,
the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."
The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at
midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder,"
says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."
The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule,
the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing
with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first,"
The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets
about having sex with the nun.
After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie!"
The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"
Submitted By :holyshit
Lettuce and Tomatoes
One night, a man takes a woman back to his house for some fun. "I still live with my parents," he says, "and me and
my brother share bunk beds, so if you want to change positions say 'lettuce', and if you want to go faster say 'tomatoes'."
Soon, they're getting it on and she's screaming "lettuce, lettuce, tomatoes, lettuce, tomatoes, tomatoes!"
Suddenly the younger brother (on the bottom bunk) says:
"Could you guys stop making sandwiches?! You're getting mayonnaise all over me!"
Submitted By :LilBro
Whilst making love, a husband says to his wife:
"Darling, let's do 68!"
"68???" She says, "what's that?"
"Well," the husband replies, "you do it to me and I'll owe you one!"
Submitted By :pluckypete
Hurricanes and Women
Q: What do hurricanes and women have in common?
A: When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them!
Submitted By :bitterbob
The Facts of Life
A teen comes home from school and asks her mother, "Is it true what Rita just told me? That babies come out of the
same place where boys put their thingies?"
"Yes, dear," replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it.
"But then when I have a baby, won't it knock my teeth out?"
Submitted By :TheDentist
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